


Do you truly believe you achieved  success all by yourself

by CoarsePythagoras



Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: Car Accidents, Eunhyuk is mentioned, Flashbacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Seriously this is depressing, Suicide, Yesung in mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 13:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16265021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoarsePythagoras/pseuds/CoarsePythagoras
Summary: Leeteuk finds a letter from his father that sends him into a spiral of self hatred, with extreme consequences





	Do you truly believe you achieved  success all by yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This has descriptions of self harm and suicide, if you are sensitive to these topics probably don't read this.

Sighing deeply I enter my room only to be greeted by a cornucopia of clothes and trash.

“Jesus Christ I need to clean this, I mean it’s is out of control” I say to no one, Trying to suppress my annoyance I begin to pick up all my clothes and halfheartedly throw them at my wash basket “god I'm gonna have fun washing all of this tomorrow” I grumble, again to no one.

As I move my dirty laundry I notice a crumpled up ball of paper poking out from the corner. As I go to grab it a feeling of dread swells in the pit of my stomach. Who knew that this little piece of paper would cause scars that can never be truly healed or forgotten. I unravel the ball and smooth out the creases, as I begin reading the letter I realise who it’s from, the man who ruined my life. My deadbeat of a father.

**Letter**

Dear Jungsoo, Do you really believe you achieved success all by yourself? I hope you realise that this is all your fault everything that ever went wrong was your fault. As I look back I wish that you had never been born. It was you who caused your mother and I to divorce, your fault that I had to punish you often. I always knew that when you grew up you’d be a disappointment to everyone. It was all your fault every bad thing that happened in you and your friend’s lives happened because of you. It was you fault that I did what I did to your grand parents, if you hadn’t abandoned them they would still be breathing. I hope that you and your “Boyfriend” never find happiness. You thoroughly disgust me Park Jungsoo.

Yours sincerely,

Dad.

I slowly lower the paper, a waterfall of tears falling down my cheeks. Maybe he was right maybe I am a failure as I read his words I can feel the memories coming back to me like a boomerang, attacking me all over again.

**Flashback**

It was June 2006, how could I forget that, the moment that none of us saw coming, the moment all of our gruelling hard work paid off. It was our first win, I remember standing on that stage my breath coming out in spurts dripping with anticipation. When they announced “U” as the winner I could barely contain the tears. We were all equally excited and confused.

After the show when all of the excitement had worn off I made the decision to call him. Probably the worst mistake of my life however back then my naive mind really believed that maybe he could have changed.

**Ring, Ring**

“WHAT!”

With my shaking voice I responded hesitantly, “Hi Dad it’s me Jungsoo.”

“Oh what the fuck do you want faggot.”

(His words were like a punch to the gut, however I played that his words hadn't affected me. Besides I wasn't about to let some homophobic asshole ruin my day).

Using my most confident tone I disclosed the news to him,“We won first place with our song U Dad.”

“Wow, really I’m surprised, You’re becoming quit successful aren’t ya?” I could hear the sarcasm dripping from his venomous mouth.

“Well I wouldn't say that I mean we've only just really started.” The nervousness evident in my voice.

"No you're becoming successful but let me tell you something". As the conversation grew his tone became increasingly sharper as if he was scolding me.

With a wavering voice I questioned, “Well what did you want to tell me?”

“Do you truly believe you achieved this success all by yourself”. He hissed through gritted teeth, even though he was on the other end of the line I could hear his malice poisoning me.

 After that I quickly hung up.

Coming back to reality I put the letter down, feeling the same numbness from the military returning like a moth to a flame.

I can feel my chest constrict as my mind begins to shut down turning into pure panic and fear. The walls that I know so well become just a blur as the tears that threaten to fall block my vision. They burn. The pain of everything as every little detail about my life seems to surround me. I felt as though I was in my head and couldn’t get out. I was trapped. I tried to scream but there was no noise. Not that I could hear. Shakily, I tried to get up off my bed but my arms gave out. The tears started to fall as the last of my strength that seemed strong broke down into millions of pieces. Shadows of a man hovering over to me as I try and hide into the covers of my bed. Back then it never worked. He always found me.

I clawed at my neck as the familiar phantom pain of fingers grasped around it and squeezed. The shouts and voices of that man echoing through the desolate walls. The blankets only acted as an anchor to remind myself that there was no escape from the pain. I needed to get to the bathroom, release the pain if only for a moment but the torment and fear was too much. Thoughts scattered like the mess of my floor. No real order. Just there. I could see them my grandparents their pale decaying figures looming over me hurling insult after insult, whispering my insecurities, screaming about how disgusting I am how wrong my love is shaking my head violently I noticed that the beige walls seemed to become brighter. Too bright. I needed to escape. Anywhere but the horror that seeps out of the four walls of the bedroom.

Shakily, I pushed myself up once again and got control of my knees. Each step felt like a mile on stilts as balance and control seemed to escape from my body. The bathroom was right there. An arms length between the disgusting mess I have become and the calming blue tiles that seem to serenade me. Stretching my arm out I grab the handle and push my way inside.

Silence.

I lean my head against the blue tiles, letting the coldness seep through my aching bones. I reach a shaky hand into the medicine cabinet and retrieve a black box. Placing it on the counter I slowly reveal it’s contents I move the bandages out the way and grab the blade. I can hear the voices trying to claw back into my mind. I quickly push the tip of the blade into my skin and pull it across for a brief moment I feel the pleasure in finally being able to feel. To finally know I am human as I watch the beads of red trickle down my arm. I repeat the process over a couple more times until have a perfect tally of all my mistakes lining my arm.

Staring at my now red arm I begin to recall all the times I have failed them from Kangin’s DUI to the car accident. As soon as I think about the accident it all comes back to me the sound of metal tearing metal and bones crushing, Kyuhyun’s terrifyingly pained screams piercing through the air. I remember the black hole that engulfed me as I lost consciousness. I don't know what happened when I passed out all I remember is awakening to the scent of blood and despair my back covered in a lake of blood glass sticking out from my wounds. Looking to my right I can see Hyukjae sobbing grasping Kyuhyun’s hand tightly. Observing the maknae’s face I can notice that he is as pale as death, actually if it hadn't been for the rising and falling of his chest I would have assumed the worst. The only sounds that I could hear was a high pitched ringing and Kyuhyun’s pained whines mixed with Hyukjae’s sobs.

Quickly snapping back to reality I run the cold tap and make it as could as possible, I swiftly rinse my arm the intense sting grounding me and dulling the voices. I consider a shower but pass due to how late it is. Instead I quickly disinfect and bandage my arm. I stagger to my room the tornado of exhaustion engulfing me. I take one last look at that damn letter before crashing into bed and falling into a fitful and restless sleep.

**The next day**

I woke up late so I have to sprint to dance practice. Though it made no difference I was late again anyway.

Bursting through the door I hurriedly apologise to everyone. We begin going through the choreography for Black Suit each arm movement is a furnace shooting a fireball of pain down my left arm. It doesn't help that the sweat is causing my shirt to stick to my arm, the friction of the cotton and my damaged skin causing even more discomfort than usual. Looking around I lock eyes with Heechul and send him a forced smile. He’s doing much better today, seeing him dance despite his injury sends a flurry of guilt through my chest he never should have gotten into that car alone. I’m the leader I should have gone with him at least then maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so injured.

I’m pulled out of my spiral by a loud clap in my ear flinching I look up to see Hyukjae standing in front of me.

“You back with us hyung, your zoning out again”

“Huh… oh yeah Hyukie I’m with ya” I say flashing him a small smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Okay Hyung we’re gonna take a break anyway”.

With that Hyukjae is back messing around with Donghae.

I begin to move towards the back of the room but I'm stopped by a pair of arms tightly wrapping around me.

I look behind my shoulder only to be greeted with a light kiss.

“Hey Chullie”

“Hi love, you okay you been zoning out a lot lately.”

“Yeah I’m fine sweetie just haven't been sleeping well lately” I lie fiddling with the cuff of my sleeve part of me wants to breakdown and cry into his loving embrace and vent all of my frustration onto him from the letter to the cuts on my arm. However as the leader and Heechul’s boyfriend I can’t do that to him, not at the moment he’s got too much to worry about.

When we resume dance practice I finally get a good look at myself. Dark circles plague my eyes and I’m definitely paler than usual.

Disgusting. Dad’s voice rips through my ears. Quickly I avert my gaze choosing to stare at the drab, blank walls. I can hear the voices in my head growing louder telling me to kill myself. However I'm pulled back to reality by a small tap on my shoulder.

“Hyung” Yesung sighed “You zoned out again”

“Jeez hyung if your gonna get distracted all the time maybe you should stop being the leader.” Hyukjae sneered. Before I realised it small tears begun to roll down my cheeks.

“Oh no Wait Teukie I didn't mean it I was joking I'm sorry” As Hyukjae stepped towards me I flinched back making him stop.

“Hyung” Hyukjae breathes out, small sniffles escaping him “I… I didn’t mean it”

“No your right everyone's right I'm a useless leader and its because of me that we can never perform as 13 again.” Before I can even think my insecurities make themselves known.

“IT’S ALL MY FAULT.”

I quickly bolted from the room, as I run I can hear Heechul calling out to me.

Oh Heechul, you could do so much better than a failure like me and you will I know you'll be sad but you'll look after the kids right. Reaching my apartment I dart into the bathroom and grab the blade I’ve become too acquainted with over the years. I should've listened to my father years ago and killed myself.

Angrily I slice the inside of my arm, I keep slicing one after the other a sick tally recalling all the things I’ve done throughout this pitiful life, becoming deeper like the hatred I feel towards my self. Soon enough a flood is running down my mangled arm.

Red.

I fall to the floor, feeling the life drain out of me as the swarm of red cascades down my paling arm. From outside the door I can faintly hear Heechul screaming, his screams are muffled however by the door and the pool being filled in my head. As I drift into the abyss I hear the bang of the door being broken the sudden noise brings me briefly back in consciousness. Within moments I feel my head being manoeuvred onto his knees.

“You shouldn't be kneeling like this Heechul you’ll hurt you leg again” I mumble looking up to see his chocolate eyes full of tears.

"I don’t care Jungsoo, just why? You said your depression hadn't bothered you in months,"

“I lied it always bothers me Chullie I just cant be a burden to you any more”.

“Jungsoo, love that's not true you could never be a burden to me besides what kind of boyfriend would I be if I let my guy struggle alone.”

“But I am a burden Heechul you already get so much hate just by being in love with me, I deserve this, I deserve all my pain. Oh Heechul I wish I could take all of the groups pain onto myself then maybe you’d all be happy, and maybe no one would have left”.

I can feel my body growing heavy I can barely speak and my vision is becoming hazy. I feel my consciousness slowly being taken from me.

“Hey Jungsoo baby don’t leave me okay, not yet.”

"I’m sorry Heechul, promise me you'll look out for the kids even if we disband".

“But…”

“Promise me Heechul”.

“Okay baby, I promise”

“Good I need you to listen okay”.

“Okay.”

“I love you Kim Heechul and I’m so sorry”.

I feel my breath leave me as I stare deep into Heechul’s eyes and then I’m plunged into the inky, black abyss. For the first time in years I can finally breathe.

Freedom.

 


End file.
